Monday, June 27, 2005

Just a thought about the RO guild Forsaken and, more importantly, it’s pathetic incapable leader Blink: Thank you for booting me during my unexpected and unavoidable leave of absence, you sorry cock sucking asshat. Take your ‘you have to level or you suck’ mentality and shove it up your loose gang banged ass. Again, thank you for NOTIFYING me. I love you lots <3 Kisses, hugs, and I fucking hope you choke in your sleep on regurgitated cum.

I love how people have long since lost sight of the fact that RO is in all definitions: A GAME. And I love how they try to take away the fun of a game by turning friendly romps into overly unnecessary competitive bullshit.

Fuck you all who think RO is about nothing BUT woe and power leveling and can’t enjoy a game for being a simple game.

I pray one day the bugs up your ass will die. But then again, they probably wont, so I hope they eat you from the inside out.

Thank you. Hope you have a nice day. Now shut up and fucking die ^_^

ARGH Maties!

a Pirate You scored 4 Honor, 1 Justice, 5 Adventure, and 13 Individuality!

Arr matey. You may belive in honor, and justice, and you certainly have a sense of adventure. But mostly, you play by your own rules. Your code is your own and you are flexible in most situations. Dress flamboyant and look into a parrot. I think you'll do fine.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 5% on Ninjinuity You scored higher than 1% on Knightlyness You scored higher than 21% on Cowboiosity You scored higher than 98% on Piratical Bent

Link: The Cowboy-Ninja-Pirate-Knight Test written by fluffy71 on Ok Cupid

IMMA PIRATE! It's official XD

I am thoroughly pissed at the unchanging circumstances of my life.

Nothing, and I mean NOTHING, ever changes.

Ten years and I am -still- house bound with my mothers responsibility. Ten years and I -still- have no night life to call my own. Ten years and I’m -still- stuck sitting my sorry ass at home -every- goddamn night of the fucking week, babysitting. Ten -fucking- years.

And it doesn’t make me feel any better when I forced to back out of previously planned activities, because ‘whoops’ mom’s schedule has changed, yet again, and -I- have to emergency sit because she has no one else.

AND it doubly doesn’t make me feel any better when friends call asking where I am, at said time, and I have to tell them I’m not coming and so they whine at me on the phone. Thank you for making me feel like shit, because I can’t go out and do anything. Thank you for making me feel pathetic and worthless, because god forbid you come over to my place (not that I want anyone over here anyway because my sister is a fucking terror to my company). And Thank you OH SO MUCH for making me feel stupid for not being able to download the goddamn overly fucking huge WOW update that my worthless goddamn dial up CAN’T HANDLE! Thank you so fucking much. Yeah, I love you, now fuck off!!!

Thank you God for the shit fucking life I am forced to wake up to every goddamn miserable fucking day of my fucking life. And thank you for the understand the world can’t seem to afford me.

Fuck. It. All!!!

I. want. a. goddamn. cigerette. >.<

There are times when I think postal bombs should be allowed. Namely for those times when people are stupid. And by stupid I mean when they a) contradict themselves, b) show no effort in things like friendship, and c) can’t come out and admit to either a or b.

-.-

I have a big rant that should go here, but I just don’t have the heart anymore to type it out.

Simple fact comes down to this. If you don’t want to talk to me, fine. If you can’t get off your ass to make an attempt to im, email, snail mail, or call me, fine. But don’t expect me to fall over and poke -you- in desperate attempts to get your attention.

I’m really tired of one sided relationships.

If I’m not worth your time to be sought out, fine. Don’t bother telling me that -I- need to initiate conversations or whatever when I point out the fact that you’re not making any effort.

I’m tired of trying to get your attention. So I’m not involved in your immediate group or your little projects. Sorry I don’t leave closer to you to make contacting me more preferable. I’m sorry I’m not one of your little east coast dwelling chums. Sorry I don’t have anything going on or to say to hold your attention anymore. Sorry this and sorry that. But I’m tired of feeling annexed because I’m not somewhere in your sphere of interests/friends. And I really don’t want to be the only one working in friendship anymore.

If you want to still be friends then a little bit of the effort is going to have to come from you too.

Is it so hard to acknowledge me?

First Meme on my new Pitas Page. Whee!

Book(s) you're reading now:
If I Pay Thee Not In Gold - Piers Anthony & Mercedes Lackey
Servant of the Shard - R.A. Salvatore

Last book you've read:
Streams of Silver - R.A. Salvatore

Next book you're going to buy/read:
Sword Dancer - Jennifer Roberson (Read)
The Promise of the Witch King - R.A. Salvatore (buy)

Book you've read the most times:
Phantom - Susan Kay
Beauty – Robin McKinley

Longest book you've read:
It - Stephen King

Book you've read in the shortest time:
It - Stephen King XD 1300+ pages in a day and a half.

One book you wanted to read that disappointed you:
The War of the Spider Queen series, I didn’t like the second and fourth books in the series. Bad authors, baaaad!

Have you read books in a language different from yours?
Original Phantom of the Opera, very slowly and with missing gaps due to not being able to translate it well enough. My French sucks.

Writer you've read the most books from:
R.A. Salvatore, Stephen King, Mary Higgins Clark, and Terry Brooks

Some books you like (not necessarily your faves):
Aliens Vs Predator Series - Various authors
Wind Rider - Connie Mason (romance)
Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
If I Pay Thee Not In Gold - Piers Anthony & Mercedes Lackey
The Keltiad Series - Patricia Kennealy - Morrison

Some books you don't like:
The Strand of Starlight Series - Gael Baudino
Extinction (Book four of the War of the Spider Queen series) - Lisa Smedmen. This woman should be barred from ever writing again. Someone chop her fingers off >.<
Romeo and Juliet - William Shakespeare. A lesson to all the moronic 14 year old kids who think they’re old enough to have sex in our generation - IT DOESN’T WORK!!! Your just going to fuck up your life, because you’re fucking stupid and didn’t WAIT. What the fuck were they thinking? Honestly! We know what Romeo was thinking with, but Jesus, can you call Juliet NAÏVE?!

In typical cancerian nature I am still sulking over this past Tuesday. It's done, I can't change it, and I should just get the fuck over it. Have I? No, of course not.

Beholden to my usual lack of any kind of self esteem, I have resorted to criticizing myself.

My current belittlement of choice is that I simply must not be good enough for Him, or anyone else for that matter.

I’ve come to the realization that it’s no use fighting against fate and that I should just accept the fact that I will never be anything to anyone but a) a friend, b) ‘One of the Boys,’ and c) a god damn psychotherapist that takes sides. >.<

Oh, how I love the irony.

I spent most of last night wallowing around in self pity and speculation, as well as bumming Astrology.com. It’s utterly repulsive how dead on the description of a cancer is in comparison to me. ( Go ahead and read it.)

Continuing with the irony of it all, I really don’t want to give a shit anymore. I waste my life worrying about everyone else, but myself, and get treated like shit for it. Obviously no one can give a rats ass about me. I really, really hate the world.

The funny thing is, is he thanked me for knocking a whole in his proverbial emotional wall. Ironically, the events of the last six months (including his kindly rejection) have all inspired me to resurrect mine. I don’t know how much longer I can go on like this. Caring and being rejected for it. And not only in relationships with those of the opposite sex, but also in friendships.

I wouldn’t allow myself to cry and told him so in so many words. He told me not to try too hard. I don’t pretend to understand what he meant.

All of this is just exciting my vindictive nature and fueling my desire to verbally tell the lot of them off.

I think, ultimately, this officially ends my attempts to seek a companion. I’m tired of the shit. I’m tired of being cheated on, tread on, and over looked.

And Jesus, WHY doesn’t he feel the same? I can’t accept the statement as it is. I’m a glutton for pain and I want an explanation. I just won’t ever ask for one; because, for as much as I’m hurt by all of this, I won’t go out of my way to isolate or put him on the spot. He didn’t do anything wrong, it just happened to have chopped my flailing esteem in half and I want to know why I’m not good enough for him.

And it’s eating at me. The need to know why.

I just… I don’t know.. I just hate it all. And I'm tired of feeling nothing but pain. I quit. I don't want to have anything to do with any of it anymore. Finished, done, gone.

So, awkwardness of last Thursday aside, I talked with Him. That being said, he doesn't feel the same way I do. Yay rejection.

On the upside, having suspected as much (thank you female intuition) I wasn't at all surprised by the revelation. Just upset at myself for pursuing something I knew inevitably wouldn't work out.

I need to start listing to that little inner voice more. Maybe if I did I wouldn't find myself in this kind of awkward situation.. again.

Still, there’s the irrational, I have no self esteem side of me that wonders why. Am I not good enough, or was it something I did. But I'd rather not give into that. I’d rather have the honesty and know I can still be friends with Him, then to have him lie and hurt me later down the road. So I give him props for overcoming, what I’m sure was a very uncomfortable situation, and being honest with me. Doesn’t hurt any less though.. Heh.

I do find our many similarities in personality amusing though. Seems as though both of us were worried over hurting or making the other uncomfortable. *Sigh* Oh well. Live and learn I suppose. Guess I get to move on and sap over the next helpless male, and pray that the feeling is returned.

This seems to be a reoccurring trend with me though. Maybe it’s just a pretty boy thing. It still makes me feel like I’m not good enough or something, and that’s what stings. Especially how shit like this takes my fragile esteem and guts the fuck out of it. *Double Sigh*

Oh well. There’s not much I can do about it anyways, so best not to dwell on it and make things worse. I don’t feel up to crying tonight. So, I’ll just download this damn RO update and go kill shit for a while.

Mass poring genocide makes me happy! Yay squishy poring death!!!

I kissed Him. Not the nice happy 'Omg this is the perfect moment' kind of kiss; but more like the 'Holy shit you're leaving, what am I going to do, hmm hmmm.. oh shit! Run up and suprise him and then run away really, really fast because you're embarrassed at your lack of impulse control' kind of kiss.

I suddenly feel like making a sign that says "Desperate" and nailing it to my forehead. *Headdesk and repeat until you knock yourself out* -.- I. Feel. So. Dumb.

Anyhow, this all came about last night after the anime club. I as blogged before my sister was out of town at Out Door Lab for a couple days and last night was the last night I had free to do anything, and because of this I really didn't want to go home early. So a bunch of us decided we would hang out.

Originally this consisted of my friends Peter, Jered, Shandel, Ben, Pat, and Ron. But at one point I convinced my friend John and 'Him' to go too, even just for a little bit because 'He' had work this morning.

All was going well until John decided he would rather go home instead. Being crafty like I am, I was just going to 'catch a ride with Him' and that way I would have a chance to talk one on one with him right?! Nope. Without John, He didn't want to go either. Damn! This pretty much shattered all my crafty planning and left me standing there wondering what do I would do now.

Enter my sudden brain fart of stupidity. So, Peter's car has arrived (I walked John and Him to their cars so I could continue chatting), inside is Jered and Ron. I ask Peter to open the trunk so I could throw my bag in the back, basically to give me a few more seconds to think about what to do. As I shut the lid my rational brain just shuts off with the thought 'Just do it!' and so (I've already said good night to John and Him) I walk briskly over to Him, who is completely unaware because he's talking to John, grab him (to which he stiffens with a WTF face) and I plant a completely awkward and not even fully on his lips, kiss. Someone please shoot me!

After which I nearly bolt to Peter's car and into the back seat so I don't have to see His look of disgust and start to cry. Of course this was made all the worse by Jered yelling out the window something like 'Way to go Rae' or something like that (I'm still not sure as my brain had shut down and all I could think of was NOT to start crying before I make it into the car). Inside Peter said something congratulatory too but again I don't know what.

After which we go to hang out and I, in a state of 'I'm a fucking moron', got some Smirnof Ice and Crown Royale. Bleh bleh bleh, long story short I came home happily tipsy and crashed, still thinking about what an idiot I am.

Jesus I feel dumb. *sigh* This is why I shouldn't and don't date. And God, I have to see Him next tuesday. I really just want to hide under a rock and die. I don't want to see Him because I know I've made an utter fool of myself and he probably doesn't even like me.

-+> /cut to self loathing.

I don't know what's going on with me today. I woke up in a deliciously good mood and came to school with high expectations for the day. As I passed over the threshold and entered the den, it was like entering a void of depressed silence and having it wrap a large veil over me.

So here I sit, in the mac lab, reminising and wondering where the hell my good mood went. Luckily Midge is here and talking with her (since she's having the same kind of day) is making me feel better.

Maybe it's the weather... it was a bit overcast when I came in, but I was still really happy. It's hard not to be happy when your little sister is away at Outdoor Lab and you have two and a half days where you DONT have to worry about baby sitting and being house bound. Not to mention the dream I had last night. I woke up feeling warm and comforted, which I haven't felt in a long time.

I dreamt about Him. It was sweet and he protected me.

God I sound and feel like a little school girl with a crush, buuuut, I really do like him and yesterday he held me after I my song at the kareoke contest. I was so scared afterward and shaking (because being singled out scares the shit out of me) and he held me. It may not seem like much to anyone else, but to me it's the closest thing I can call peaceful in my life right now.

I wish I had the guts to ask him out. Actually I tried that, subtly, but it was kind of thrown down. Now I just feel unsure of how to approach him. We joke and talk and it's nice, but I am scared that I might scare him off. I'm even more scared of appearing stupid and childish to him. Jesus I'm 23 and feel like I'm 5 right now. *Sigh*

I guess I'll just continue to admire him from afar until something happens. Anything really. I just wish I knew how he felt, so I wouldn't have to walk around berating myself that he obviously doesn't like me and I'm making a bloody fool of myself by pursuing him.

Men are too confusing! Rawr!

Then again I tend to confuse myself. Especially the duality of my nature. I'm normally very outgoing and foreward and not afriad to be blunt and say what's on my mind. However, the MOMENT I like a guy, I turn into this timid, shy, wallflower. *Rolls eyes* It's pathetic. Why. cant. I. just. be. normal. around. a. guy?

Because I think I'm normally overbaring and childish, that's why. I have no comfortable middle ground, me thinks. I'm always one extreme or the other. Sometimes I would just like to be comfortablly in the middle.

*Sigh* Oh well. I suppose I'll just spend the rest of the evening attempting to talk with Him. God, I. am. so. dumb. Just tell him how you feel and ask him out. ARGH!

I'm such a chicken shit.

New Year = New Entry.

It's been about two years since I last posted here. Having been caught up in the flow of my friends from one 'in' thing to another, I found myself repressed and depressed at Live Journal. Now that I decided to take out the trash and free myself of their stupidity, I have returned.

There's a certain freedom to pitas. Namely the lack of comments.

So good bye and good riddence to the shit. Welcome me back Pitas, I've come home. All I have to do now if figure out how to get this to work in Mozilla.